I decided that I wanted to become a family mediator over 15 years ago and I really wish I had started earlier, rather than wait. When I joined LSL Family Law, I finally had the opportunity to realise my dream and I have now completed my family mediation training!
For me, it’s all about putting the family front and centre. As family mediators, we want to avoid situations where, after a divorce or separation, there are walking wounded – which can happen if a court case appears to have been the only option available. Mediation is far less polarising than going to court and can leave a relationship – of some sort – intact.
It was a eureka-like moment when I realised my entire philosophy was that of a mediator! It may sound silly but that is how I had always viewed my role as a family lawyer. It’s about untangling what needs to be resolved and doing so in a respectful, caring and thoughtful way, aware that there are two people (or more) at the heart of what is happening.
I often use the analogy of a swan: graceful and unflappable above the water, while underneath the surface there is a lot happening and often at a much greater speed than you might expect. A good mediator is often one who facilitates a meeting with the participants barely aware that they’re there.
Of course, a key skill in mediation is being able to help the participants communicate so they can get to the bottom of, and express, what has upset them. We need to work with both to unravel what needs to be resolved and help them decide together on the best way forward. Often, family law feels like it has happened to you whereas mediation is quite the opposite, allowing people to make their own decisions. Mediation enables people to create a proposal which is practical, workable and achievable, which they themselves can set in motion.
What I have found is that people tend to focus on the financial arrangements, which is understandable because there will always be significant concerns about the future security of both parties. Unfortunately, this can lead to child arrangements being treated as a secondary matter, which can lead to upset and trauma for the children involved. Each set of circumstances is different and sometimes it’s important to let the children walk the journey too, and at times this can include sharing some uncertainty with the children. Ultimately, I have always said to clients that the better you handle this, the better the children will handle this.
At the end of any separation there will still be a family, albeit in a different shape and form. The important thing is to minimise the hurt and destruction. Mediation encourages the development of cooperative, healthy relationships so that a family move forward with hope.
If you would like to find out more about the mediation services we offer, please feel free to contact me by email: tanya@lslfamilylaw.co.uk or by phone: 01732 922086.
Tanya
Tanya Foster is a family law consultant and family mediator at LSL Family Law. Find out more about Tanya here!
